Rozey Thorn Trees

Me: Did you actually nap today? 5yr: Yes, I napped. 3yr: I napped too. 5yr: No, you didn’t. 3yr: Yes, I did! I power napped! 5yr: No, you were playing in your bed the whole time! 3yr: Yes, playing in my bed is a power nap! This explains so much. 🤦‍♂️

Luna the Moon: Remember, kids, there's always tomorrow! 4yr: (under her breath) Until you die. Me: Uhh...

There was a lot of yelling today (some from me) and a lot of crying (mostly me) and a lot of "We are NEVER doing X again" (all me) and even some "How have we utterly failed as parents?" Thankfully, Sophia put it all in perspective as she kissed me good night: "Don't worry. It will get better soon. One day we'll all be teenagers." - Laura

8yr: We got a new toaster! 2yr: Yay, a rollertoaster! Me: Hahaha... It's funny because that's not a thing. Then I Googled it. Yeah, it's a thing. It's a Hot Wheels car. It's a T-shirt. It's a restaurant. It's a rock band. It's even a toaster oven that literally rolls your slice of bread into toast. Who knew? Moral: Before you laugh at your children, Google it. It's a thing.

We signed up with Shipt for grocery-getting. It's our first time and it feels luxurious! I could get used to this! Like the first time I felt When Grubhub delivered me a hamburger, But better. Hey, the Shipt employee just texted me. She's on her way. Wait. A breaking update from News 8: "Shipt: Meijer team members at 3 stores test positive for COVID-19" Me: Uhh. Laura: She's here! Stand back. Don't touch. Smile. Say thank you. Wave goodbye. Spray the bags. Wipe the groceries clean. Did you get the receipt? Maybe we can return the COVID-19 For some in-store credit? For now, let's get dinner ready And eat nutritiously! A crown of luxury indeed Fit for a king and queen! I can't get used to this.

Me: Hello, my babies! Are you safe and snug? We’re not going to wander off and get lost today, are we? Oh, so cute! Nobody wake up the babies, OK? Girls: Aww! (Whatever it takes to not lose the remotes, for once!)

8yr: Daddy, can I put something on? Me: Jeans, shirt, sweater? Sure. 8yr: No! Can I put something on the TV? Me: Why would you put a sweater on the TV? 8yr: Nooo!... Ain't I a stinka!  Don’t feel too sorry for her.  She served me a sugar cookie  Frosted with peppermint toothpaste  With sprinkles on top!  Blecchh!

Me: Why did you throw my tax papers all over the floor? 2yr: OK, I won't. Me: But you already did! It's a mess. I spent the morning organizing it. Can you help me pick it up? 2yr: OK. Me: Thank you... She’s a taxing but helpful little child deduction Whose birth date happens to be April 15th, haha

Now that hand-shaking is out,  Are we going to ignore the obvious?  Public enemy #1?  The doorknobs, guys!  They’re a hotbed of swarming micro-buggers!  Sliding doors and teleportation beams will save the universe!  (Star Trek was so ahead of its time.)  #ElonGetToWork  #StarTrek #LiveLongAndProsper

I got a trophy for not venturing out to socialize during the quarantine. I mean atrophy. I got atrophy for not venturing out. Definitely not a trophy. 😒

I’m teaching my little ones how to play chess, but they’re resisting the rules of battle: Me: But you’re supposed to capture the other team’s players! 4yr: No, because she doesn’t want me to capture her. 2yr: No, don’t capture me. 4yr: Don’t worry. I won’t. Me: But that’s how to play the game! 4yr: That’s okay. I won’t capture you. 2yr: Okay.... So we’re just going to play chess according to the rules of mutual consent and common decency, the Golden Rule, and the Geneva Convention? Really?  Okay, that’s cool. #StoryTimeChess

Today my 8-year-old and I attended a coronavirus webinar that was produced for elementary school kids to be properly informed about the national quarantine. It was worthwhile. We even got to cheer two times when the medical expert chose to answer Sophia’s submitted comments and questions about the virus! Little did I know, my 4-year-old was paying attention, too. At the end of the teleconference, she casually showed me a coronavirus doodle she had just drawn. Uhh. “Wow! You drew that? That’s impressive. Go show Mama!” I didn’t expect her to have listened and to have actually processed this subject matter! I hope she’s okay. She seemed unaffected by what she had heard. Of course, we’ve been educating them about germs and soap and social distancing to explain things like why we’ve been waiting a couple weeks to visit with their grandparents. Nonetheless, I worry that we’re not doing it right and that 4-years-old is too young for little kids to be understanding such th

When this quarantine ends,  I’m not looking forward to A-types  Eye-balling me in public restrooms  To offer up corrective hand washing techniques:  “Uhh, yer doin’ it wrong,”  “Eww, gross. You call that clean?”  “That wasn’t 20 seconds, dude,”  “You tryin’ to kill us all!”... #SayNoToSaniShaming On the other hand,  Let’s all agree to call out those  Who flush then rush out the door! #SayNoToSinkSkippers !

Most of my middle school and high school students formally address me as Mr. Rozeboom. Here's my collection of alternative titles from the past 20 years: Mark Mr. R, Mr. Roze Mr. Rozy Mr. Boom, Mr. BoomBoom (when I taught in Detroit) Mr. Mister (my initials spell MR) and Dad (I played old man Jacob in the Joseph musical. A bit weird, but theater students are a different breed, haha) Any other teachers out there with informal titles?

Whenever I see photos of empty store shelves,  I feel bad for the stock worker who shows up,  Sees his neglected product,  And feels unappreciated. Of course he knows it’s not personal:  The market for tofu — A tasteless curd  That’s one letter shy of  “Toe-food”— Is not what the free market is clamoring for. But this is his livelihood!  And... and... Yeah,  He needs to get a new job.

No, our 4-year-old does not accept Mommy’s invisible microbes theory as a valid scientific reason to throw away her two contaminated chocolate covered almonds.... Laura: ...You can’t see them because they’re so teeny-tiny. 2yr: They’re like me! I’m teeny-tiny too!

4yr: Stop choking me! Me: What is going on over there!  I thought you were playing foosball!  Why are you choking your sister? 2yr: I'm trying to play with her, but she keeps hitting the ball in my goal! Red card. Deliberate foul. Leave the field of play immediately. My goodness.  Little girls play for keeps.

My 4-year-old wrote up her old morning schedule tonight Because she’s missing preschool already: "Morning Schedule Brush teeth?! Eat breakfast Pack backpack Go upstairs Get coat and boots Get in the car Was your translation close? Good job. Now read each line again  But with ever-increasing  Tones of urgency! Perfect.

Me: Soup is ready! Who wants soup? 4yr: I don’t. 2yr: I don’t! (starts crying) I don’t like soup! I don’t want to eat it! Me: But this isn’t just any soup! This is soup du dupe! All: What is soup du dupe! Me: You’ll have to eat it all up to find out! Who wants to eat some soup du dupe! All: I do! Me: Soup du dupe coming up! All: Yay! Soup du dupe! Me: Soup du dupe!... Progresso chicken soup with vegetables & pearl pasta was a hit tonight.  All gone with no complaints.

Me: It’s so sunny out today! 4yr: It gets sunnier and sunnier and bunnier and bunnier! (whispers to me) That means more bunnies are out. Me: Bunnier. Got it.

A delicious chicken fajita dinner is served... 4yr: (Australian accent) Mmm! I give it a 9 out of 10 points! 8yr: I give it an 8 out of 10 points! 2yr: I give it a 2 out of Mama!... Laura: I don’t think I like them watching cooking shows before dinner. Me: I give you a perfect 10.

2yr: Daddy, my shirt says, “Daddy is outta his world!” 4yr: No, it’s not his world. It’s God’s world! Me: Hahaha... (I may be outta my mind sometimes...no reason)

Me: Today is the last day of February! 8yr: Hmm, I’m still on January... I thought she had made a clever kid-quip until she clarified that I hadn’t flipped her out-of-reach motivational wall calendar since January. Oops. Fixed it.

8yr: Daddy, come to my room! Come quick! Me: I’m sick, honey. Is it important? I don’t feel good. 8yr: It’s an emergency! Me: An emergency? (I crawl out of bed.) What happened? 8yr: It’s a party! Me: 🤨 8yr: A dance party! 🎉🤩🎊 Me: 😠 (I crawl back into bed.) 8yr: When’s Mommy going to be home?...

Mommy’s at work and my chef dad ratings have hit an all new low. Me: Girls, come eat your vegetables! 4yr: But I’m full. Me: Mommy said make sure you eat your veggies. 2yr: Yuck. 4yr: It’s too salty! Me: Eat it with a little salsa. 4yr: Yuck. 8yr: It’s really salty still. Me: Eat it with the fries. Salt tastes good with fries. 8yr: Okay. 4yr: I’m getting used to it now. I can almost eat it without plugging my nose. 2yr: Yuck... (Tough customers. Next time it’s on the house. 🙄)

4yr: Goodnight, Dada. Me: Goodnight, honey. Big hugs! Love you. Why do I love you sooo much! 4yr: Because I'm beautiful. Me: 😅

Sophia has invented superhero names and powers for each of us: Daddy is Money Man. I can make any amount of money appear in my hands at will. Mommy is Wow Woman. She can do a bunch of things at the same time so well that everyone says "Wow!" (Laura: So, like, what I already do now?) Thalia is Grape Girl. She turns people into grapes, and she can shoot bad guys with her grape seed gun. Freya is Bubble Girl who can put people in unpoppable bubbles that only she can pop. And Sophia is Candy Mandy. She shoots hard candies at bad guys, ties them up in licorice, and sticks them to walls with sticky taffy. Freya suddenly starts crying loudly because Thalia just turned her into a grape and won't turn her back to normal. Mommy tells her to go tell Daddy about it. He'll take care of it. Wow, Laura. Just. Wow. (She really is amazing 😘) Anyone looking for a superfamily to stop crime?

Little sister stuck a crown of plastic burrs in big sister’s hair. What’s your favorite easy and painless trick for Daddy to pull them out before Mommy gets home from work?... We did it!

A’s a teacher of Engli’sh ‘standard’s, I’m plea’sed to witne’s’s on ‘social media the ‘sudden demi’se of the po’s’se’s’sive apo’strophe rule of adding both an apo’strophe and an ‘s at the end of word’s to form po’s’se’s’sive noun‘s. To ‘stay a ‘step ahead of the’se ‘shifting punctuation trend’s, I’m te’sting a new alway’s inclu’sive apo’strophe ‘s ‘standard to be a’s’se’s’sed by other pa’s’sive aggre’s’sive grammarian’s among’st u’s. Ble’s’s our ever lovin’ heart’s! 😜

4yr: Knock, knock. 2yr: Come in. 4yr: No, you have to say “Who’s there?” 2yr: Who’s there? 4yr: Chicken. Why did the chicken cross the road? 2yr: Because the chicken wants to cross the road to eat the grass up. 4yr: No, because the chicken wanted to go to a restaurant to eat dinosaurs! Hahaha! 2yr: Hahaha! 4yr: Knock, knock. 2yr: Come in. 4yr: No, you have to say “Who’s there?” 2yr: Who’s there? 4yr: Thalia. Why did Thalia cross the road? 2yr: Because Thalia wanted to go to the museum, but she had to wait for Mommy and Daddy to cross the road so she doesn’t get hit by the cars! 4yr: No, because she wanted to go to a restaurant to eat chicken. Hahaha! 2yr: Hahaha!  4yr: Knock, knock. 2yr: Come in! 4yr: No, you have to say “Who’s there?”  2yr: OK, knock on my door again. 4yr: Knock, knock. 2yr: Come in! 4yr: Noooo! 2yr: Knock, knock. 4yr: Who’s there? 2yr: Why did the chicken want to cross the road? 4yr: The chicken wanted to eat grass? 2yr: Yes, the chicken wanted to eat grass! Hahaha!

Early this morning, my 8-year-old was complaining in Spanish about her sisters, demanding that I get rid of bugs, and worrying about the quality of her chocolate desserts...  She was clearly feverish and delirious. After a visit to Urgent Care, she’s feeling much better. Thank goodness!  We’re chuckling now because she has no memory of acting like a contestant on a Netflix dessert show and insisting that I not eat her. 😜 I pray that you too can celebrate good health and good times with family and friends on this first day of February. Salud! 🎉🥳🎉

My 2-year-old is so fun and so creative. She likes to make up interactive games to play with her family. Like just now, she dipped Sealy, her plush sea lion doll, into the toilet and chased and whacked her mommy with it in the bathroom. She came up with that all by herself. A jolly good time, indeed! Too bad we had to put Sealy away for now to get ready for bed time. Don’t cry, my dear. There’ll be plenty of other toys to play Dunk-n-Whack with another day. Children are such a blessing! 😇

I asked my doc to diagnose my joint pain in my big toe. I was concerned it might be arthritis. He asked what my pain level was. I said pretty high because I dropped a safe on it.  Doc: Uhh, a safe? Me: Yeah, an unsafe safe. Doc: A safe would do it... It was a weird moment until I explained that the safe fell on my toe after I made the appointment to see him. 😅 The bad news: it’s arthritis. The good news: the pain from the accident masks the arthritic pain. Yay. 🎊😜🎉

Laura: Why are you talking like a baby today? Where are your words? 2yr: Thalia took them. (When in doubt, blame big sister.😅)

2yr: I want to touch the popsicle! Bita: That’s an icicle. Laura: A calorie-free popsicle. Have as many as you want! 😀

Laura: Did Freya finish her food? 4yr: She haven’t taken a bite! Me: She hasn’t taken a bite. 4yr: She hasn’t take a bite. Laura: Taken a bite. 4yr: Taken a bite. Laura: Present perfect. 4yr: It was not perfectly perfect! Me: 😂 (With two English teachers as parents, her social life is in jeopardy, I’m afraid.🤓)

We had promised Freya a diaper cake to celebrate her success at potty training: “No, it’s an underwear cake!” Nonetheless, congratulations to us! 🎈🎊 🎉

A boy at the Y asked if he could shoot baskets with us: Me: Sure! This is Sophia, and I'm her daddy. Boy: Do I have to call you Daddy? Me: No, you can call me Mark... (I should've introduced myself first.😅) #2020hindsight

At Kohl’s, as we walked past a lady at a kiosk, my four-year-old casually stroked the back of her leg, then she stroked the legs of two mannequins standing near the kiosk. 😳 Me: Uh, honey, why did you touch that lady’s leg? Did you think she was a mannequin! Thalia: (confused) No, I thought she was a statue. I was too embarrassed to look back at the lady’s reaction! 😅