Rozey Thorn Trees

As I was trying on an ugly Christmas sweater at a discount rack at Meijer... 7yr: Is that for ugly sweater day next year? Me: Yes...It fits! What do you think? 7yr: Umm, I don't think it's going to fit next year. Me: Huh? 7yr: Because you grow. Me: Uhh. I grow?! 7yr: My clothes won't fit me next year either because I'll grow. Everybody grows.... (Sooo, no, I didn't buy the Frosty the Snowman hoody jacket with the black top hat.)

Me: Do you want to go on a daddy-daughter date with me? 3yr: A daddy-daughter date? Me: Yes. Just you and me. 3yr: Yes! Mommy, I get to go on a daughty date with Daddy! Laura: A daughty date? Is that daughter plus naughty! Me: I didn't say that, haha!... P.S. We went to the germ tree at the Rivertown Mall, rode the carousel at the food court, went up and down escalators more than necessary, then got groceries at Aldi's. My 3-year-old rated our daughty date a success! No sugar required : )

7yr: I'm afraid of goats. What are you afraid of? Laura: I'm afraid of heights. 7yr: I'm also afraid of clowns. What are you afraid of, Daddy? Me: (under my breath) I'm afraid of the dark abyss that comes after death. 7yr: I can't hear you. Laura: Daddy's being inappropriate. 7yr: What are you afraid of? Me: Uhh, I'm afraid of getting Mommy angry, haha...

3yr: I won, Sophia. You lost. 7yr: That's not a nice thing to say to people, Thalia. You shouldn't brag about winning and other people losing. Would you like it if I said that to you, I won, you lost, I won, you lost, over and over again? I don't think so. 3yr: (pause) Yeah. But I winned. 7yr: (big sister sigh)

While Mommy is getting ready for a girls' night out tonight: 3yr: Are we going to have a really nice time tonight, Daddy? Me: I prefer to have a nice time rather than the alternative! 3yr: I mean are you going to play games with us and give us nice treats? Me: Yes! As soon as Mommy leaves: 3yr: When are you going to give us the naughty treats? Me: Naughty treats? I thought you were asking for nice treats earlier. 3yr: No! I want to eat naughty treats, not nice treats! Like ice cream and chocolate and cookies... Wow, this girl knows how to work the system when Daddy's on watch, haha!

3yr: Freya is being mean to me! Me: What did she do? 3yr: She won't do what I say! Me: What are you saying to her? 3yr: I'm her teacher, and I have sooo many things to teach her! But she won't listen!... (I feel your pain, girl.)

Me: OK, girls. This is Daddy's brand new hairbrush that's just for me to use. Promise me that you will never ever use this hairbrush. It's very important! OK? 7yr: Not even to sing with! Me: No.

I woke up groggily from a long nap Just in time to catch my one-year-old putting A bright orange earplug nearly into her mouth! I shouted to Sophia to quickly grab it from her! Both children were shocked by my sudden aggressive outburst. Sophia took a tentative step forward,  Then turned to me puzzled and asked,  "You want me to take the carrot away from her? But Mommy gave it to her." I put my glasses on:  "Oh! Haha.  A carrot! Phew!  Yes, she can eat  The carrot!"

My girls got to ride Sandy the Horse at Meijer this morning: Me: Yeeeeha! Ride'em cowgirl! 3yr: No, Daddy! Not cowgirl! Say horsegirl because it's a horse! I explain that a cowgirl's job is to chase cows while she's riding the horse... Thalia shouts out, "Yeeeha! Ride'em horsegirl!"... Because she prefers to chase horses.

I realized that I had forgotten my phone, so instead of catching up on social media, I got to engage with my 3-year-old in the play area of the public library where she served me up a sandwich and some lemonade in a doll cup while I lounged in a chair and suppressed the urge to feel superior to all the other parents who happened to remember their phones...

I've discovered the beginning draft of my 8-year-old's troubling manifesto... "Ways to get your little sister in teruble 1. Tell your parents that she hit you than she will get in teruble..."

Laura: When are you leaving for work? Me: A.S.A.P. 3yr: Daddy! You said pee! That's not appropriate. Me: What? Oh, I said A.S.A.P. as in "as soon as possible." 3yr: (shaking her head slowly in disappointment at her daddy's potty mouth) You said pee... (I can't wait to turn the tables on her the next time she sings the alphabet song.)

My three-year-old approached me early this morning in a bad mood. 3yr: I had a boring dream! Me: A boring dream? 3yr: It was so boring! Me: What did you dream about? 3yr: I don't know! Me: You don't remember?... She then proceeded to rehash each dull moment of her tediously boring dream. It was indeed dreadfully boring to the point of me insisting that she stop telling me about her boring dream. 

The baby screams. Laura: Did you just take that toy from Freya? 3yr: But it's mine. It's precious! Laura: You don't take things from the baby. 3yr: (cradling the plastic orange slice closely to her cheek) So precious!... Me: Precious? Where did she get that from? I didn't read The Hobbit with her. Laura: Sophia? 7yr: No...Wait, yes. I say that about food. All the time. Like "I love my precious food" and "This food is so precious!" Me: Yeah, that makes more sense.

Early this first Daylight Savings morning, Sophia sidles up to me and whispers... Sophia: Daddy, I'm feeling really cranky this morning. Can I have some chocolate from my basket? Mommy usually lets me have chocolate on the way to school in the mornings. It helps me to wake up better. Can I? Me: Yes. Sophia: Thank you, Daddy! Thalia: Daddy, I'm feeling cranky too... (I suppose I shouldn't let them have chocolate for breakfast first thing, but watching Sophia tenderly share a Hershey's Chocolate Bar with her 3-year-old sister is the sweetest thing I've seen all day ; )

After a good but long day, Laura and I put the little ones to bed, then I chose to relax alone on the sofa to enjoy a chocolate-dipped paleta de plátano: 7yr: Oh! May I have one! Me: Ask your mom. 7yr: She'll just say no because it's bedtime! Ugh! No fair! You get to have one and I don't! I thought you were on a diet? You had a KitKat today already in the car! And you had a cookie! Aren't you on a diet because you need to lose some weight? I think you need to go on a diet. No fair!... Sigh...Serves me right for not waiting an extra hour for her to get to bed. If I could just turn back time, haha. Happy Daylight Savings!

“In essentials, unity. In non-essentials, liberty. In all things, charity.” —St. Augustine

Serious lower back pain this week. Couldn't figure out why: Was it from sitting wrong on my long road trip? Did I pull my back out while sleeping? Do I need a chiropractor or a masseuse?....Oh yeah. Our school where I teach just got a new gaga ball pit. "Come and play with us!" they said. "It'll be fun!" they said. Well, it was fun! And now that I know why my back hurts, I'm feeling better about it. I'm not gonna quit the gaga, haha...

At recess, a group of girls was huddled together on the ground shivering while watching boys play soccer: Me: Girls, if you're so cold, then why don't you play soccer to warm up! MS Girls: We don't like soccer! Me: Then what about playing soc-him! MS Girls: Yay! Soc-him! How do we play? Me: I don't know. Let's make it up.... Here are the official soc-him game rules at South Olive Christian School (SOCS): 1) Two mini goal nets are placed two yards apart 2) One or more soccer balls are in play 3) No goalkeepers 4) Scramble at will to kick a soccer ball into either goal net repeatedly until the recess bell rings The winner is anyone who warms up the best to ward off this chilly autumn afternoon! We had fun 😊

Student: (runs in with panicked laughter and hides behind my chair) She's chasing me with a tack! Me: You mean she's a-tacking you? Student: (deadpan) Haha. That's funny. Me: Dad joke. Nailed it... (Tacky jokes get me through the day.)

Me: Computer, play kids' music. Alexa: Shuffling songs for Kiss on Amazon music... Me: Computer, stop! (Gene Simmons isn't kid approved in this household!)

Ancestry.com has updated their data significantly and improved their analysis of my DNA. The results seem more accurate than before based on what family have told me over the years about our origins and our immigration history. Sadly, my two years of thinking that I'm a little bit Irish has come to an end. I am officially retiring my "Part Irish, All Trouble!" T-shirt... But now I find out I'm a little bit French! Oui, oui! Time to break out the croissants and my outrageous French accent!...

While I was bench pressing at the Y, I was admiring a fit, elderly man who was working out across from me. It would be great to look that great when I reached his age. I switched to his machine after he left and had a look at how much he was lifting: What! Way more than what I do! Yep, I've got a ways to go... I felt a little discouraged until a moment later a sweet lady sat at the machine where I had been working out and exclaimed aloud in disbelief how much weight I had been pressing. Haha...

Freya, my 1-year-old, and I are reading a picture book called  My Little People Farm : Me: What animal is this? Freya: Duck! Me: Wow! Yes! A duck! Quack, quack. Freya: Duck! Me: (I point to a dog) What animal is this? Freya: Duck! Laura: Pretty much every object is a duck. Me: Oh. Freya: Duck!...

Me: Freya, get your shoe. There it is. Get your shoe. Freya walks over to her shoe, picks it up, brings it to me. She is such a smart baby. Me: Yay! Good job, Freya! Good job! Get your other shoe! Over there. Your other shoe. She brings me a book called  Jessie, The Lonely Puppy . Me: No, Freya, no! Not a book. A shoe. Get your shoe. It's over there! She brings me a backpack, then a life jacket, then a teddy bear. Meanwhile, I'm pointing till my arm is nearly out of joint trying to get her closer to the target. No can do. Sophia walks over, picks up the shoe, and puts it in baby Freya's hand. Me: Yay, Freya! Yay! You brought Daddy the shoe! The shoe! The shoe!... (We celebrate success whatever it looks like : )

Thalia's toddler bed is a success. Glad she's not in a bunk bed. The real problem is Freya repeatedly crawling into the bedroom to bounce on Thalia's bed while she's sleeping. It's the cutest thing to hear a 10 month-old baby giggling to herself as she bounces her sister off the bed. Thalia doesn't find it funny...

Me: Thalia, please pick up any food on the floor under the table before the baby finds it and eats it. 3yr: There isn't any food under the table. Me: Good. Check to see if the baby is eating anything. 3yr: She's eating a person. We have to be thorough about cleaning the carpet after meals or else Baby Freya turns into a little scavenger (LEGO people beware).