Rozey Thorn Trees

So don't do anything foolish like take a careful sip but then cough suddenly into the sip hole so violently that the lid can't hold back the 360 °  blowout of rich, black Biggby's onto you and whatever beloved property or persons might be in your immediate vicinity. (Note: nothing and no one was harmed in the making of this public service announcement, except for my ego. Thank goodness.)

Student: Is it Thursday or Friday today? Me: I'm so sorry to break it to you, but it's Tuesday. Student: Oh. (It's going to be a long week for that poor boy...)

Student: It would be great to say that I've played polo. It's so hoighty-toighty. Me: I've played polo. Student: You've played polo? On a horse with a polo stick?! Me: Marco...Polo! Haha... Student: That's not funny.... (Believe me, I know it's not funny. My name is Mark, but I was born Marco...)

Have you ever pulled up to a McDonald's drive-thru window with your wallet out ready to pay for a cup of coffee and a muffin but then had the teller tell you to put your money away because the driver in the car in front of you who just paid your bill is a former student of yours? Well, I just did, and it felt awesome! Thank you, Sam Fagerstrom : )

Me: Thank you for your birthday treats yesterday. Student: Your problem. Me: Uhhh. Student: I mean you're welcome.

Who can top walking into a two-sided movie rack so hard that nearly all 132 DVD cases plus their 132 display covers scatter into the aisles on both sides? The poor Family Video workers looked over from the checkout desk in time to see me hugging an emptied rack trying to stop the rocking. Then awkward silence. I'm left standing there stupidly holding two DVD cases that I had heroically saved from hitting the floor. "I am soooo, soooo, soorrrry!"    They were tremendously gracious to me. They rushed over, laughed it off, and quickly began restocking the shelves while I stood by not sure if I should attempt to help. "I saved two DVDs for you." They ignored my comment and kept stocking. I asked if I was the first person to do that. Sadly, no. Once, a man having an epileptic attack took down several racks full of DVDs. Somehow, that didn't make me feel any better... So, please, somebody, anybody, tell me you can top my klutziness of the day s...

Words to Know: The Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon (or "frequency illusion"): when a thing you just found out about suddenly seems to crop up everywhere. The Capulin Corollary: when you read something and then hear a person say that exact same word or phrase at the time you read it. So is there a name for the cool feeling you have when you see people in another car mouthing the words to a song you're singing loudly to on your car radio, and in that instant you make eye contact and together realize what's happening and feel really embarrassed about it, but you've got to smile big because what just happened was so cool?.... "Coincidence" doesn't do it for me.

This morning my wife and I both woke up under the weather, feeling pretty groggy and achy all over.  Hot coffee only helped a little.  Unfortunately, her health was a bit worse off than mine for various reasons.  In a hurry to get to work she asked me to do her a big favor and pick up Sudafed from the pharmacy. I said okay, no problem... At the pharmacy the druggist asked me what the Sudafed was for: Me: Uhh, it's for my wife. I think it's for, uh, menstrual cramps. Druggist #2: ( in the background and a bit loudly)  No, that's not right! Sudafed is not for menstrual cramps!... Druggist #1: (quietly) No, that wouldn't help with menstrual cramps. Me: Oh, right, uh, what was I thinking. Uh, maybe she wanted it to help her get to sleep. Druggist #2: (interjecting in the background) No, that's not it either! Sudafed would have the opposite effect if anything... Druggist #1: (quietly) No, sorry, Sudafed won't help her get to sleep. It helps relieve conges...

So the gentleman in the purple shirt gets up out of his chair, walks over to me, and quietly tells me that by the time the air show begins I need to find another place to stand so that I am not in the way of people sitting around us who have been waiting a long time to see the show.  I look around and note to myself that his argument is invalid: I am not seriously in anyone's way and in a short time there will be many more people standing in this same location. Surely he must be joking. I turn back to him, chuckle, and give him my friendliest "you've got to be pulling my leg" smile. He sits back down in his chair then menacingly says to me, "I'm only going to tell you this one time." My dad standing next to me witnesses the moment. He later asks me why that man singled me out like that. I said I don't know but there have been many times in my life when I've wondered why people have singled me out:  Because I'm in the wrong? Certainly,...