Rozey Thorn Trees

As I was trying on an ugly Christmas sweater at a discount rack at Meijer... 7yr: Is that for ugly sweater day next year? Me: Yes...It fits! What do you think? 7yr: Umm, I don't think it's going to fit next year. Me: Huh? 7yr: Because you grow. Me: Uhh. I grow?! 7yr: My clothes won't fit me next year either because I'll grow. Everybody grows.... (Sooo, no, I didn't buy the Frosty the Snowman hoody jacket with the black top hat.)

Me: Do you want to go on a daddy-daughter date with me? 3yr: A daddy-daughter date? Me: Yes. Just you and me. 3yr: Yes! Mommy, I get to go on a daughty date with Daddy! Laura: A daughty date? Is that daughter plus naughty! Me: I didn't say that, haha!... P.S. We went to the germ tree at the Rivertown Mall, rode the carousel at the food court, went up and down escalators more than necessary, then got groceries at Aldi's. My 3-year-old rated our daughty date a success! No sugar required : )

7yr: I'm afraid of goats. What are you afraid of? Laura: I'm afraid of heights. 7yr: I'm also afraid of clowns. What are you afraid of, Daddy? Me: (under my breath) I'm afraid of the dark abyss that comes after death. 7yr: I can't hear you. Laura: Daddy's being inappropriate. 7yr: What are you afraid of? Me: Uhh, I'm afraid of getting Mommy angry, haha...

3yr: I won, Sophia. You lost. 7yr: That's not a nice thing to say to people, Thalia. You shouldn't brag about winning and other people losing. Would you like it if I said that to you, I won, you lost, I won, you lost, over and over again? I don't think so. 3yr: (pause) Yeah. But I winned. 7yr: (big sister sigh)

While Mommy is getting ready for a girls' night out tonight: 3yr: Are we going to have a really nice time tonight, Daddy? Me: I prefer to have a nice time rather than the alternative! 3yr: I mean are you going to play games with us and give us nice treats? Me: Yes! As soon as Mommy leaves: 3yr: When are you going to give us the naughty treats? Me: Naughty treats? I thought you were asking for nice treats earlier. 3yr: No! I want to eat naughty treats, not nice treats! Like ice cream and chocolate and cookies... Wow, this girl knows how to work the system when Daddy's on watch, haha!

3yr: Freya is being mean to me! Me: What did she do? 3yr: She won't do what I say! Me: What are you saying to her? 3yr: I'm her teacher, and I have sooo many things to teach her! But she won't listen!... (I feel your pain, girl.)

Me: OK, girls. This is Daddy's brand new hairbrush that's just for me to use. Promise me that you will never ever use this hairbrush. It's very important! OK? 7yr: Not even to sing with! Me: No.

I woke up groggily from a long nap Just in time to catch my one-year-old putting A bright orange earplug nearly into her mouth! I shouted to Sophia to quickly grab it from her! Both children were shocked by my sudden aggressive outburst. Sophia took a tentative step forward,  Then turned to me puzzled and asked,  "You want me to take the carrot away from her? But Mommy gave it to her." I put my glasses on:  "Oh! Haha.  A carrot! Phew!  Yes, she can eat  The carrot!"

My girls got to ride Sandy the Horse at Meijer this morning: Me: Yeeeeha! Ride'em cowgirl! 3yr: No, Daddy! Not cowgirl! Say horsegirl because it's a horse! I explain that a cowgirl's job is to chase cows while she's riding the horse... Thalia shouts out, "Yeeeha! Ride'em horsegirl!"... Because she prefers to chase horses.

I realized that I had forgotten my phone, so instead of catching up on social media, I got to engage with my 3-year-old in the play area of the public library where she served me up a sandwich and some lemonade in a doll cup while I lounged in a chair and suppressed the urge to feel superior to all the other parents who happened to remember their phones...

I've discovered the beginning draft of my 8-year-old's troubling manifesto... "Ways to get your little sister in teruble 1. Tell your parents that she hit you than she will get in teruble..."