Rozey Thorn Trees

Sophia: How do you spell "swallow," Daddy? Me: "S-w-a-l-l-o-w." Why? Sophia: I'm writing that I swallowed my tooth. Me: Oh. Sophia: How do you spell "accident"? Me: "A-c-c-i-d-e-n-t." Sophia: I want the Tooth Fairy to know that I swallowed my tooth on accident. I really, really hope the Tooth Fairy comes tonight. Me: Where are you putting the letter? Sophia: Under my pillow. Me: Goodnight. Sophia: Goodnight. Where's my wallet...It's time to suit up.

What a treat to have my wife and toddler stop by my classroom today to drop something off. It's rare to see them during the work day. Of course, as I greeted my family with a quick hug and a peck, I could sense the tweens around me looking away, rolling their eyes, making gagging faces, questioning their existence.... PDA is not OK! Don't ever, ever do that again! Gross!  Blechhh!... I get it. I hear you.  I'm sorry. If it's any consolation,  I had blushed, slightly, in that moment. But not too sorry Because I said my goodbyes to my family with  Another show of modest affection in front of them, too. And their subtle yet audible groans did not disappoint, haha.

Customer Service: What is the reason for the return? Me: It didn't work when I turned it on. Customer Service: Tsk, tsk. You understand that it costs us to have to repackage and reshelve this, and we'll have to try to resell this at a reduced price? The store is losing money with this return. Me: Yes. Customer Service: And you still wish to return it? Me: Yes, I wish it worked so I didn't have to return it. Customer Service: (sigh) Well, OK then... (I'm confused, haha. Am I supposed to feel guilt at this point of the exchange?)

Student: Why are you wearing suspenders? Me: (snaps suspenders) Why not? Student: I knew you would say that. Me: (snaps suspenders) (Some people just can't handle the suspense! 😜...)

3yr: Why is that man talking like that? Me: He's trying to sell us things. 3yr: He's so annoying! Her first time at a school auction.😀

At naptime: 1yr: Daddy, hug. Me: I love you. 1yr: (singing softly in my ear) "Dada loves me. This I know..." Me: Haha! (Yeah, that's a pretty high standard to hold me to, kid.)

3yr: Daddy! I'm hungry! Is the food ready! Me: Yep. Mac N Cheese comin' up! 3yr: Yay! Mac N Cheese! I get to eat Mac N Cheese! (proceeds to sing an impromptu Mac N Cheese song while twirling like a dervish around the dining table) Mac N Cheese! Mac N Cheese! I get to eat Mac N Cheese! (baby sister joins in the celebration fervently) 3yr/1yr: Mac N Cheese! Mac N Cheese! I get to eat Mac N Cheese! Me: Mac N Cheese is ready! 3yr/1yr: Yay! Mac N Cheese! Mac N Cheese! Me: Have a seat, everybody! Mac N Cheese is here! 3yr/1yr: Yay! Mac N Cheese!... I kid you not, when I served up her Mac N Cheese bowl, she stared at her food, scrunched up her nose, and said, "What? Cheese? I just wanted macaroni." Me: 😲

Me: Is your mom going on the trip? Student 1: Yes. Me: What's her name again? Student 1: Mom. Student 2: Spelled M-O-M. Me: 🙃

3yr: Can I have a cookie? Me: You have to finish your food first. 3yr: Ughhh! I wish I could get rid of parents! Me: Why? 3yr: Because they take us to where we don't want to go! Can I go upstairs? Me: Not right now. 3yr: Ughhh! That's why I want to get rid of parents. They're so terrifying! Me: Then how come you're hugging me? 3yr: I don't know! Me: 🙃 3yr: 😛 Me: I love you. 3yr: I wuv you too. 😙

1yr: Knock, knock. Me: Who's there? 1yr: Mouse. Me: Mouse who? 1yr: Cheese! Me: Hahaha! 3yr: Knock, knock. Me: Who's there? 3yr: Mouse. Me: Mouse who? 3yr: What did the duck say to the other duck? Nothing. Don't worry. It's just a joke! Me: Hahaha! 1yr: Knock, knock. Me: Who's there? 1yr: Mouse. Me: Mouse who? 1yr: Baby! Me: Hahaha!... Attentively laughing at my babies' "jokes" is the penance I feel I must pay today to justify inflicting my lame dad humor on them when they're teenagers...

3yr: Stop copying me! 1yr: Stop copying me! 3yr: Stop! 1yr: Stop! 3yr: (exasperated) Whatever I say, Freya repeats! 1yr: Wever I say, Fweya weepeets!... Hours of entertainment, folks. Hours... 😭

Guy: Good lookin' kids. Me: They're cuties. Guy: They're all cute that age. It doesn't last. They'll grow out of it. Me: Uhhh...

Late night tantrums on the way home because I wouldn't let the grandparents give the little ones ice cream: 3yr: Aaaahhh! I want ice cream!.... Me: No, honey, not before bedtime. It's way too late already. 3yr: Aaaahhh! I want Bita! Me: I know, honey. You love your Bita, don't you. 3yr: Yes! Me: And you love your grandpa. 3yr: Yes! Me: And you love your mama. 3yr: Yes! Me: And you love your daddy, too. 3yr: NO!... (I made up for it the next day with a scoop of vanilla bean.)